You are either walking forward or sitting at the center.
Today, I went to my first yoga class since Amelie was born.
I used every mind trick I have in the book to get myself to go. I tell myself I can leave at any time. That I can just sit on my mat the entire class if I want to. That I never regret going but often resist going. That it is expected to dread this. It would be weird if I DID NOT have lots of resistance to going.
Fifteen pounds over weight (at the very least) and out of shape, group exercise sounds really unappealing. But I need to start at some point and my state of mind needs some yoga and my body desperately needs to move.
So I actually went (victory!). I actually finished the class doing what I can and not pushing my poor, tender body. Huge victory.
And you know what?
I’m not really sure yoga is for me right now.
I’m sitting at the center of the labyrinth. That is what I realized today at yoga.
Not a maze but a labyrinth. You only can go forward. You’re either moving forward through the labyrinth or still at its center. All of your life.
Up until I had a baby, I was slowly lumbering forward. Now, she and I are taking a second at its center. For how long? I don’t know. But if we were part of a herd we would be at its center, protected and supported and sitting still.
When you sit still, you get to look all around you.
You gain perspective and see the landscape. But only, really, when you stand still. When you move forward, looking around is kind of a waste of time. Your energy is better spent in the step you’re taking and maybe the one after that. At least you’re moving (and it is all forward).
I will go back to yoga class a few more times before officially taking a break from yoga. Group yoga, that is. Just in case my engine just needs a few cranks to get rolling which younger-me would need. Me-now may just need a break. I’m testing the hypothesis.
Are you moving forward – or, sitting still?
Hint: 99% of the time you’re moving forward step by step. Slowly or quickly. You get closer to the center or farther away but it’s all forward. Towards the center and then – away from the center. And sometimes the center offers you no respite.\
Your answer will tell you where you need to look — all around you both near and far, or just at this next step (start close in).
But if you just had a baby like me, you aren’t going anywhere, no matter how hard you fight it.
So: What labyrinth are you in?
And where are you in your labyrinth right now?
(And: Is it where you want to be?)