I like my house in order and my daughter fed (well) and dressed (well) and napped (well). I like the fridge and pantry stocked. I like to know where my dogs are at all times (inside or outside?). I like my routine, and it works.
And all of these pretty traits and habits of mine can be boiled down into one desire that drives them all: the search for control.
Control is really sneaky, like this. We take pride in our orderly lives. But when we start to think what this orderliness keeps us from, we start seeing how we may be control-addicts. And our drug of choice? It’s running our lives.
This is what I mean:
Six months ago I bought a ticket to go to Wanderlust in Squaw Valley. I’m koo-koo for yoga, and this yoga festival is *the* yoga festival to end all yoga festivals. Plus – I have some truly amazing, wonderful friends going (and you should come with us next year). It’s heaven.
And – I’m here. (!!!) right now.
And, yet – it is so hard for me to be gone. Why is it so hard to leave the order behind? Why is it so hard to release “my way” of doing things – which is just me trying to maintain control?
Because – like all of us – I’m scared.
I’m scared things won’t be done my way (they won’t). I’m scared my family will be fine without me (they will). I’m scared my daughter might get hurt while I’m gone (she might). I’m scared I can’t be there to protect everyone (I never could protect them, anyway).
I’m also scared that after four days with me, my friends will really know me. And they will find out that I’m not always nice. I’m not always generous. I’m not always happy or confident. I am also stubborn, and controlling, and insecure. And the, what if they don’t want to be my friends, anymore?
That could happen. And if it does, it will hurt. A lot. But I don’t want friends who only want a perfect, Laurie-on-a-good-day version of me. I want friends who I cry with and laugh with and tell gut-wrenching truths to. And there’s only one way to find out what kind of friends I have.
The anti-dote for control issues is to do the very thing we work so hard to prevent.
I’ll be myself and be honest with my friends. I’ll leave my family to follow my heart.
The benefit? I get to be at Wanderlust. I don’t side-step my dreams with the lie that I can’t leave home right now. I don’t avoid being truly seen by my friends and Amelie’s dad gets to be spend some time with her, without mom (and that is a really beautiful thing).
The anti-dote for control issues is to take the leap.
I’m doing it, right now. And it is so, so, so worth it.